Journal Entry Type #108: I’m Ready To Turn Off the Air and Unplug

It’s definitely getting cooler out but not cool enough where I can turn off the air conditioning in my car and apartment. I go between warm and chilly. I can’t wait for the weather to be consistently chilly so I can wear sweatpants and long sleeve shirts. I’ve slowly started to go on a diet of eating better and cutting out the stuff that isn’t good for me. I have yet to go to the gym for several reasons and the main one being there is something seriously wrong with my right foot. It’s hard to walk with it not feeling pain and putting on a shoe hurts even at times. Yes, I need to see a doctor for this. I’m certain it’s my arthritis and all s/he will tell me is to buy some OTC pain meds which doesn’t work at all because my pain is too severe. Why have my foot x-rayed when I basically think I know what it is? The saying of you know your body best is true. The saying go to the doctor because while they often stab at whatever sticks for a diagnosis, they know more than you do about the inner workings of your body.

I had a few days to myself. It was great. I haven’t been alone in a long time. Again, it was nice as I did a little bit of everything over the weekend. I dabbled in a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I finally finished stringing together my tiny bottles of sand and hung up a new cup. I picked up a book and read another chapter. I did washed too many dishes and washed my clothes again. Wouldn’t it be great to never have to wash another dish or clothes again? I’m not going to talk about politics or my lack of writing because there’s time for that later. Besides, I’m feeling right now as if taking names and kicking ass isn’t so great of a motto. Not that I ever really followed this but everyone remembers who did them wrong and the people they would sometimes like to get revenge on at some point in his or her life. Which brings me to the topic of suicide and murder? Maybe because I’m watching a show about murder and how forensic evidence helped solve the cases. Maybe because I know of a few people who killed themselves and how mental health has come again to the forefront due to the pandemic.

Like a recovering alcoholic or any kind of addiction, thinking and taking action to die is just about scraping the bottom of anything. No one in their right mind would do this. It’s the same as anyone doing something that is viewed as “severe.” It’s not like person actually likes thinking or acting this way. I guess it’s part addiction and part powerful animal/monster/entity from the inside. This is what I’m struggling with in terms of how to convey this in a meaningful but impactful way for one of my future stories. Okay, maybe I am by default talking about my writing. I feel as if there can be beauty in the grossest of topics. I might be feeling the effects of not writing and wanting to be creative. I sometimes feel trapped within the constraints of my own image of perfection and needing to abide by my own rules. This is all I have to offer for today. I plan on writing a few poems on my days off as well as going back to my writing. I’m on a mission to write about gross stuff and have the reader not know what I’m truly talking about. Maybe that’s not the way to go and just come out and say it. Be blunt about it. Who knows? Definitely not me.

%d bloggers like this: