Pisaries Creator

The train was supposed to arrive in 15 minutes. I could wait 15 minutes in the negative temperature. I had done it before as a child in those long winter days when the sun glistened on the white snow. I didn’t fear for my life. It was already nearing one in the morning. I was the only fool outside waiting for the train because I was a student of life. My full-time job took precedence over my studies, and my classes to be paid in some way. In the silence of anticipation, the train never came. I even gave the driver five more minutes of leeway. The schedule I held not too long ago had to be taken out again. My backpack made a thud on the shoveled walkway. 

“Damn,” I said. For whom? No one was around. I should’ve said more that night, let loose of my feelings, but all I said  in response to seeing the next train arriving at 3:15 in the morning was another damn. Back then, I was more reserved in my words. If this had happened today, I would say FUCK instead of the weak ass word of damn. In the next two hours of waiting, there began a guessing game in my mind. How many hours of sleep would I get before I had to wake up again, put on clothes, fulfill my 8 hours of work, and go to class again? Would I be able to redeem myself the next time and catch the train? Should I have complained about how the train never came? What could the operator have been doing? Fell asleep on the job? Calling his pregnant wife to make sure she’s okay and finding she wasn’t and left to comfort her without telling his boss? I hope it was one of these reasons instead of something lame and lazy like he just didn’t want to do his job or worse, care that someone waiting would be stranded.

An hour into waiting, my feet had turned into 10 little icicles. I had no wool socks on but cotton. Of course, I would’ve been more careful of my feet and the whole condition of my body had I known this would happen. I was not prepared. There was no hat to wear although I had many at home. I had gloves because my hands were always cold. There were heaters spread just enough apart to be able to keep semi warm. I was surprised more homeless people didn’t use them. Frankly, I looked like a homeless woman in a jacket I could’ve found in a trash can or got  lucky when some good person took pity on me and provided me with a used jacket. 

Where is the poor woman’s hat? Suitable shoes? Socks? Water? Food? I wish back then I had some kind of candy to help pass the time. I would’ve taken peanuts or pretzels, the go to snacks for flights, whether two hours or longer. I’m sure I had many thoughts that night, nothing too drastic or deep or negative. I was in a decent place, willing to put in the demanding work, and wasn’t afraid of much of anything. Sure, I might’ve been mildly concerned about my future. Could my life get worse? Yes. I have it made? No. I sat warming my feet knowing there would be a positive end result and that hope was not lost. I wonder if I will still feel the same way 20 years later. 

Enough time had passed and soon the train would arrive at 3:15 or a little after. No one was around me and I felt a kind of realistic peace. This was my life, a little cold and harsh, and one I’d been experiencing year after year. Maybe, I dreamt of better days and a new kind of life. Maybe, I should let the candy slowly dissolve in the warmth of my mouth instead of chomping on them like a tiger. I was in the right place at the right time. My life was mortal and no one tempted fate with the devil that night. With all my senses intact, I heard the train approaching. Like a child excited for a birthday present, I stood up and pulled out my pass. I was going home to sleep and if given the chance, do it all over again, and I did day after day until I decided to change.