Pisaries Creator

Family can be a powerful unit whether three, four, five, six, or larger. Family can also be challenging where differences can result in ugly endings.

I once knew a girl who had a list of names of her future children. There were two columns and she took the list with her wherever she went. Names were added, subtracted, and retyped on this sheet of paper. Sometimes when they popped into her head, I would see her scribbling one down in haste. Whether during cheerleading practice or track and field competitions, the list went with her.

As one of her classmates, I knew her well. I grabbed the list from her desk. My eyes scanned the columns and a lot of them were male names with a quarter female names scattered throughout. There was no rhyme or reason to the order.

Some of the names I recognized and some of them raised my eyebrows but none captured my attention more than the name a third way down the page. The name should have been in all caps and in bold.

LUCIFER

I asked her why she wanted to name her child this! What the hell for! I thought to myself, at the time, are you going to dress your child up as the Devil for Halloween? She probably thought other parents would think it was all cute. I’m not a religious person, but I know the ridicule of naming your child Lucifer. Come on! This gets an OMG! Pun intended!

She looked at me and asked, “why not?”

Are you kidding me! Why would you give your kid such a stupid name?

She said all the questionable names were added as a joke and told me she wanted four children, two girls and two boys. Her house would have five bedrooms, one for each child and for herself and husband. She had her whole family planned out: four children with four purebred dogs. The final names of the dogs would be a joint partnership where she would have the final say no matter how much her children cried about not getting their way. She would be a strict parent.

I told her to back the truck up.

She laughed.

This wasn’t a joke to me, not when she had the name Adolf on there too. I feared what would end up on her possible dog name list, but first I wanted to highlight how she as a 16-year-old girl could be so fucking sure of her master family plan. This traditional dream of hers confused me. Not long ago, she had wanted to go to college and be a teacher.

She said that’s still a possibility, but her ultimate duty was to birth enough children to repopulate her little world.

I said, “What about your own welfare. If you have that many kids, you can kiss any free time you might have goodbye.”

My mouth opened in surprise and stayed there when she told me it wouldn’t matter. Her husband would work long hours to provide for his family and give complete household control to her when he was away. He would relish knowing his family was in good womanly hands and he would be at home long enough to raise their sons.

I shook my head in disbelief. I thought knew enough of my classmates to say none of them were this brainwashed. We all grew up in a decade of great opportunity. Here she was pulling the curtains closed before she walked across the stage to get her diploma.

The last I heard she followed her traditional dream. She had four children with her four dogs. Her husband is still married to her. Her children are now old enough to be in high school. She ended up naming her children after what I feel is a joke.

1. Edward was born first. He had a dog named Edward Jr.
2. Oliver was born second. He had a dog named Ollie.
3. Kristina was born third. She had a dog named Krystal.
4. Emiliana was born fourth. She had a dog named Emily.

I suppose these names are better to the stupid name of Lucifer, Adolf, ABCDE, any name of a city or state, any name of a fruit or vegetable, and any name with stupid spellings. Don’t be naming your girls Betty, Daisy, Minnie, Pearl, Trudy, Harriet, and Roberta. Don’t be naming your boys Clyde, Earl, Lloyd, Wayne, Ambrose, Harold, Linus, and Wilber. Don’t name any child Magnolia, Korn, Apple, Madison, Prince, Journey, Carmel, Fig, Phoenix, Geneva, Clementine, Fleetwood, and Queen.

Do what you want but please do not name your children any of the following names and if you must, put it as a middle name, because these are all bad names.

Remedy, Krimson, Incisor, Lozenge, Teighlyr, Umbrella, and Periwinkle,

And for humanity’s sake don’t name any of your children Lucifer, Satan, Hades, Antichrist, or any derivative because if you do so, may a thousand cuts be forced upon your skin as punishment.