Journal Entry Type #52: Hi, There! I’m Still Here!

As with everything in life, it goes in circles and sometimes stops where you get dumped on (whether it be natural like rain or not so natural smelling). I had my eyes tested the other day and my eye sight is getting worse and continue to be dry. I need to use eye drops more often especially since I live in the desert. We never do what is best for us. Isn’t that the case?

There are particular repeating thoughts that keep coming back to me. Ones that have nothing to do with my current life and yet they come back. It’s a never ending thing with me and as my parents found yet more books hiding under my bed along with papers I kept from school including the Unabomber Manifesto (???), I realized I am truly a hoarder. Let’s just say the below are three books included in the throw away pile that I recommend I read for school or on my own. Ceramic dog I made in grade school. Throw away. Black turtle with eggs on her back. Throw away. Necklaces I collected over the years and beads I made from clay. Throw away. Belts that are way too small for me now. Throw away. The list goes on and on.

I started to think about high school as I long ago threw away all my yearbooks except my senior year. I then thought about the quote from Theodore Roosevelt I received for a graduation present and Moby Dick as another graduation present. So, here it the quote I received I finish this entry with, remembering there’s a critic in everyone but not the final say when you die.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

-Theodore Roosevelt

In addition to this, admit your faults and recognize your achievements. Try to be your best without hating yourself and others. When life is literally in the “crap zone” or “shit zone,” as hard as it is find ways to counteract it, fucking do it. This is what I’ve learned that life is about. I haven’t gotten many things I thought I would or deserved, and yet I’m still here with a purpose. I will be the first to admit my life has never been easy. I’m still struggling with things from centuries ago (if you believe in that kind of stuff). We are now officially past the halfway mark in 2020. As hard as it is to swallow, every living person has some kind of reason/purpose to be breathing. Yeah, I should’ve tried harder back in the day, but there’s no time machine. Humans live for such a short amount of time, an intricate concept for me, when you look at it from all kinds of angles. Enough of me trying to go deep into the meaning of life right now because that can wait. I’ve got a life to live and more pictures to take like the one below.

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is carsticker.jpg

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