I call this “it shouldn’t be this difficult but…” based on one of these things happening to me at one point in my life. If you can’t laugh at yourself once in a while, then what’s the point of living.
It shouldn’t be this difficult, but it is when you wake up in the middle of the night with severe cramps. You go into the bathroom, lights out, and while you sit on the crapper while holding your stomach, you think you’re going to die. The pain is that bad and while you shit, you realize you have to puke too. Luckily, you finish in time to turn around and do even more expelling of the food inside. You hope it’s all done and go back to bed, only to find you have more. You start the whole process again and this time without the puking and wonder what the hell you ate.
What am I? Ugly Food Poisoning
It shouldn’t be this difficult, but it is when you rest your ordered dinner on your lap and bend over to reach a napkin. For some reason, Friday night is not on your side and it spills all over the carpet. Depending on what food it is, some of rolls away. You don’t yell in frustration, but know you can’t scoop it up and put it back in the container. You do anyway and see your hair all mixed in with the food. You end up ordering again and make sure not to spill it a second time.
What am I? A Wasted Dinner
It shouldn’t be this difficult, but it is when you trip over a cord on a hardwood floor, fall, and slide belly up toward a wooden cabinet. Your impact is so hard you leave teeth marks in the wood. You sit up and check your front teeth. They are still there, but you are pissed. It takes you a few days to forget about it and enjoy things again.
What am I? A Shuffling Fool
It shouldn’t be this difficult, but it is when you were locked outside of your apartment without keys and your roommate isn’t home. You are thirsty and just came back from jogging outside. You want water but don’t have any. You want to take a shower but can’t. You just want inside so you don’t look stupid standing around. You realize you can take the screen off, slide the glass window aside, and go in through the window and you do just that. The positive of keeping the window unlocked but so much for safety. You put the screen back in and pray no one saw you.
What am I? A Keyless Jogger
It shouldn’t be this difficult, but it is when your car stops working while moving from Los Angeles to Las Vegas near Death Valley with 1% charge left on your phone. You need to rely on your roommate driving the U-Haul to call a tow truck and wait 50 minutes for it to arrive. You sit the rest of the two hour drive with a stranger who graciously gives you water and think to yourself what else could go wrong on this move and wish for something different.
What am I? An Exhausted Mover