Journal Entry Type #130: Let Me Down, Again

I really didn’t know what to name my JET so I chose something that happens to people, regardless of their age, sex, nationality, and more. People don’t get everything they want even if they say they have in life. This never happens all the time. We don’t get what we want all the time. Some people don’t get half of what they want in life. Others get only 1/4 of what they want throughout their lives. Whether you see life as half-empty or half-full depends on the situation you’re in and how you react to it depends on many things. How powerful is your resolve? What do you fall back on when you’re stressed besides eating and sleeping? What steps do you take to pull yourself back up and get into the game (no matter how shitty it seems)?

I remember making mention of getting older on a blog and while I am getting closer to the cusp of the beginning of the last 50 years of my life (doesn’t mean I will live that long), no one told me about how common autoimmune diseases and arthritis is among people. Most people don’t think about it when they are in their 20s unless it affected them during this time. While my arthritis started in my forties, I’m convinced my autoimmune symptoms started in my mid-thirties. While it’s somewhat comforting to know I’m not the only one, it doesn’t lend much help for the pain I feel and the aggravation of being tired, inability to sleep, numbness on my body, dry eyes and mouth, and inflammation.

Honestly, I don’t really feel let down because as I get older, I realize things said to me aren’t exactly the truth and things people will say to me aren’t going to be done. If someone says they will call me, they don’t always do. If someone says it doesn’t matter, most likely it does. Anyone except those rich billionaires and millionaires really don’t have anything to worry about when it comes to simple things like day-to-day living and the cost of things. Sure, they might have kids to take care of but it’s not the same thing as a single or even two parent household. It’s just not. These last four years seem pointless in many ways. It doesn’t feel I’ve learned much. It doesn’t feel I’ve contributed anything great. The life I once knew or thought I knew was crisper, brighter, fulfilling, and tolerable. Now, it’s not so much but I hope to get there again on many levels (financially, socially, creatively, mentally, spiritually).

How many people have lost their sparks? Lost their hope? Don’t give a shit anymore? Avoiding problems? Doesn’t care about others like they used to? I suppose we all go through this mindset. It’s sort of thinking the majority of people don’t want me around, think I’m less of a person, would rather see me dead. It’s sort of knowing this and then carrying it around like a dead weight, like a poison, like something you’d love to insert into a dart and throw at those who have wronged you. Now more than ever I’ve learned to rely on myself more and a select few who understand me. I’ve distanced myself from people who no longer makes sense to me because my perspective has made a minor shift again. This is where I am right now. How about you? Honestly, I want to get into the mindset of helping others, not hindering others, although my present situation makes it hard. It isn’t that I’m going out of my way to be difficult but I’m ready for a new environment, if you know what I mean.

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