Journal Entry #148: Saturday Blues and Blacks

The best thing I could’ve done years ago was to curb my impulses and not create bad situations by making bad decisions. I should’ve done so much more with my life, turned right instead of left, jumped down instead of up, but here I am doing what I’ve always done. I’m breathing and trying to get through each day with some kind of resilience, hope, courage, and discipline. I’m not sure I have what it takes to improve my situation. I’m not going to lie and say everything is alright in my life because it is SO NOT alright in many ways. I never thought I’d be in this place at this time and in this city. I never thought I’d be having the struggles that so many others like me have and so many unlike me have as well. I don’t regret some of the things I’ve done, but I’ll always have regrets on a few things I’ve done. Even within the last five years, my mindset has changed and oftentimes for the worse meaning as a recent former politician said his wife is more a glass is half empty type of person than himself. I’m the same way. The glass in front of me, sitting on a wooden table without a coaster with dirty water in it, is half empty at the moment. This is my life. This is my day. This is my weekend. This has been my reality for a while. I thought by now I’d have a different job, getting paid more, and being overall happier. I don’t have anything else to offer except these words: “education isn’t something you can finish” by Isaac Asimov and I hope what I’m going through now is a part of my education and not some sick joke or punishment to suffer. The glass is half full, right?

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