10 Sports Movies You Probably Don’t Want to See

These ten sport movies could be lumped into the category of bad for several reasons.  I’d probably watch a few again, but most I would not.  This list is my picks for box office sport baddies.  There are spoilers in most of my short descriptions so don’t read them if you want to give any of them a try.  I have given you fair warning because as you will see some are pretty ridiculous.

Racing Stripes (2005)

racing stripes

I know this is a children’s movie, but damn, this movie makes no sense.  A zebra having brain capacity to want to be a horse, and compete at the highest level for horses.   We all can suspend reality if there’s good reason, and more importantly, we must be convinced to do so.  Racing Stripes does not give any explanation for why the zebra, aptly named Stripes by the daughter of the man who rescued him from a circus, is hell-bent on competing in the Kentucky Crown.  In spite of being born in captivity (I’m assuming) and forgotten when the circus left, the zebra still retains some of its genetic makeup. Yet, there is little indication of this throughout the movie.  I’m not expecting some magical potion that allowed this zebra to think like a horse, although it might have pushed the story along.  There needed to be some plausible reason for this.  The voices for the animals were done by quality actors and actresses, but it wasn’t enough to make it a worthwhile movie.  I wouldn’t bet on this wannabe horse at any race track if I was into this kind of gambling, which I’m not.

8 Seconds (1994)

8 seconds

It’s hard for me to root for a movie where the main character rides bulls for a living.  I’m not into bull riding nor do I see any advantage of this sport (if you can call it that).  It’s a highly dangerous activity, and this movie proves there are consequences.  Yes, Lane Frost’s untimely death is tragic.  Yes, his quick fame lead to an ego in overdrive.  You might wonder how his head fit through saloon doors.  While there’s no denying he was attracted to thrills, the portrayal of the rodeo lifestyle seemed at a distance.  Lane’s personality flaws were obvious, which is fine, but he didn’t have enough on his good side to make him truly likable.  The fact it starred Luke Perry might have detracted from telling the story because we all know how much girls lusted over Dylan McKay in 90210 or maybe that is why he was hired.  Either way, it wasn’t enough for me to go my pile of good sports movies. 

Summer Catch (2001)

summer catch

Summer Catch’s awfulness isn’t because of Jessica Biel or Freddie Prinze Jr’s acting, but due to the poorly written coming of age script.  It isn’t that baseball and teenage romance can’t go together.  I’m the first one to admit I find baseball boring as all hell, but a well written script will make me forget the boring as all hell part.  This movie is mind numbing because the local baseball player completely ditches the game for the woman he realizes he loves while scouts are present.  No, I don’t think so.  To be overly dramatic, PULEESE!!!  Then, to make it even more unlikely, she forgoes her job in San Francisco to stay with him while he proves himself as a minor league player.  I’m not saying some people get lucky breaks, but if baseball meant everything to the character of Ryan Dunne, he wouldn’t have left his game during the middle of it.  Everything happened a little too nicely at the end.

Gleaming the Cube (1989)

gleamingthecube

I remember watching this movie thinking whoever is skating during the credits is pretty damn cool.  I knew it wasn’t Christian Slater, but at the time I didn’t realize that the technical advisor was one of the original Z-Boys.  Stacy Peralta was able to get skaters, such as Mike McGill, Tony Hawk, and Mark Rogowski, to do the stunts.  They were the best part of the movie.  Christian Slater over acted during the emotional scenes.  Whether that was himself or the director wanting it, I’m not sure.  Gleaming the Cube was full of cheesy lines.  The moral of the story is if you’re a Caucasian skateboarder, you will be able to stop the bad guys by blending so well into the Vietnamese community.  It would make more sense for your adopted Vietnamese brother not to get killed, but what do I know?  Like I stated earlier, I watched it for the skateboarding, which led to me thinking skateboarders were rad.  I’m still waiting for a skateboarder to sweep me off my feet and carry me into the sunset. 

The Cutting Edge (1992)

the cutting edge

If you know anything about skating, it’s that hockey skaters and figure skaters are two different disciplines and most noticeably the toe pick.  I’ve seen this movie many times, and one I’d probably watch again.  I almost feel guilty for including this into the bad pile, but it’s one where paying close attention is not needed to understand it.  The verbal jabs back and forth on and off the ice are enjoyable, but the cutting between actual figure skaters and actors of D.B. Sweeney and Moira Kelly is quite choppy.  Parts of the script seemed far-fetched such as the skaters being good enough in a short amount of time to compete in the Olympics.  I wonder how many people clapped at the end of this movie when it was released. 

Rocky V (1990)

I rocky vthought this series should have ended when Rocky went head to head with Ivan Drago.  I don’t care what anyone says.  I like Dolph Lundgren as an actor.  He’s as tall as you’d think in person.  At first glance, I thought he was a waiter.  Anyway, this movie is bad.  Rocky V has nothing in it that made the first movie great.  The acting is sub par and the lines feel forced.  Fame and fortune came and went quicker for Rocky in between IV and V.  I want to ask Rocky what was he thinking for not fighting Drago for money, but I guess remembering and honoring your friend was more important.  Even when he finds himself penniless, he won’t fight inside the ring, but eventually fights outside the ring, on the mean Philly streets.  It doesn’t make sense given his past actions.  How many times did he tell Adrian he was a fighter.  The only endearing thing is seeing his real life son, Sage, be his son in the movie.  Enough said before I get overly verklempt. 

Kickboxer: Vengeance (2016)

kickboxer vengeance

I never thought I’d have to stop a movie because it was that BAD.  This was one of them.  I couldn’t even keep it on while working on something else.  It was THAT BAD.  Georges St. Pierre nor Jean-Claude Damme could convince me to stay the course.  This says a lot because I like both of them for different reasons.  I’m not expecting anything spectacular, but as I watched this monstrosity unfold I turned it off to rescue my eyes and ears.  The shame is this could have been a decent remake.  Kickboxer: Vengeance was so off the mark with a bad script, bad acting, and just bad everything.  I got all this from just watching a quarter of the movie.  

Snowdogs (2002)

snowdogs

When you take one of the hottest, muggiest areas of the United States and place one of its inhabitants into one of the coldest, harshest areas, you might find yourself watching Snowdogs.  I know this is a children’s movie, but would a man who grew up and lived his whole life in the city want to brave the outdoor elements with dogs that don’t like him?  Get to know the dogs first and have them be comfortable with you before striking out with them, meaning you trust them and they trust you, on the Arctic Challenge.  I’m all for getting acquainted with your roots, but it’s not very realistic.  Even Cuba Gooding Jr. realized it wasn’t a good movie so yes, watch at your own risk.  I guess the only saving grace were the dogs because I like dogs. 

Swimfan (2002)

swimfan

The title of this movie is about as on the nose as you can get.  This is about swimming and fans.  I remember a family member stating “what a terrible looking movie.”  He was right, so very right, and should’ve heeded his words.  When you combine a recovered addict who is a swimmer, his girlfriend who also is a swimmer, and a girl who doesn’t know how to swim, it makes for a questionable movie.  It has all the elements a bad teenage thriller would have and for being such a bad girl, Madison sure has a lot of good luck minus her predictable ending.   And let’s not forget Stanford was chomping at the bit to get a piece of Ben’s wake he left with his powerful kick. 

Ladybugs (1992)

ladybugs

This is one of the bad movies I wouldn’t mind watching again.  Long live Jonathan Brandis and Rodney Dangerfield, but more Jonathan Brandis.  While there isn’t much substance in the dialogue and obvious misconception of girls as shitty athletes, it does play around with crossdressing.  Wasn’t Matthew’s wig so convincing?   There’s no denying that Chester is a misogynistic asshole throughout most of the movie.  You pretty much predict what happens with Matthew/Martha and the girls soccer team.   I almost want to shield my eyes for how intense Rodney Dangerfield’s gaze on this one sheet.

cwhite2018

 

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