Journal Entry Type #5

hello

I live with someone who thinks I should listen to more music.  He’s probably right.  I should.  I no longer have my CD player that most everyone had as they graduated high school and went off to college or worked a job somewhere.  The CD player eventually stopped working, but the cassette player was still fine.  I seem to be stuck in the 90s as that is the decade I was in high school.  Maybe, I’m just missing those years and having some nostalgia.  Why?  I don’t know.  The Reality Bites movie was all the rage and Winona Ryder still hasn’t won an Oscar although people have clued into the weird faces she has the ability to make.  A recent poll asked who was the best grunge singer: Eddie Vedder, Layne Staley, Chris Cornell, or Kurt Cobain.  My roommate asked me this all important question.  We had the same answer and in the same pecking order.  Two minds think alike even though he’s a Millennial and I’m a part of Generation X.  And if you’re wondering what the answer is, it is should be this: Chris Cornell, Layne Staley, Eddie Vedder, and Kurt Cobain.  Sorry, Kurt but Chris blows your voice out into outer space and then some.  Sure, Eddie Vedder has that voice, but Chris Cornell really had that voice.  Does anyone remember Layne Staley? I sure do.  Don’t get me started about the current singers, pop stars in particular, although K-Pop is an interesting phenomenon.  Do I listen to it?  No.  Will I give it a try?  Probably not.  This brings me to the Millennials.  They get a bad rap and while some of it might be true, a lot of it is not.  Unfortunately, I have adopted some bad Millennial stereotypes myself such as being glued to my iPhone too much and addicted to social media at times.  I catch myself being too absorbed with what is going on with the British Royal family although lately I’m like enough about the supposed fights among the members and then by way of that seeing the boneheaded things certain reality stars are doing or not doing.  I call it social media pollution where I have to ask myself again, “who the hell gives a crap about person X or person Y?”  Or another question, “why the hell does this bother me so damn much?”  Or better yet, “why am I looking at this?”  I try my best to give everyone a fair shake and forgive those who I feel are severely lacking, but for a select few there isn’t much they could do to change my mind.  They take up precious oxygen that could be used by others who need it more. 

This brings me to the purpose of this blog, I suppose, and that is how much should a person fight for the things they believe in and when do they let go of the fight when it clearly isn’t working in his or her favor.  I used to get amped up more back in the day about topics I was passionate about, but now it’s like “I’m no longer in my 20s or 30s and while I’m not freaking out that my life is passing me by (okay maybe a little bit), I’ve taken a more “not give a rat’s ass attitude and get on with my life as best I can.”  I might sound a little jaded here, but I’ve lived a life trying to better myself in every which way possible and while sometimes I failed miserably, other times I didn’t.  I plan on writing a humorous, sarcastic, realistic, and maybe somewhat emotional book later about what it means to have my brain.  I think it could be fascinating and entertaining at the same time.  Someone once told me it must hurt to have my brain because I think so damn much, and at this point in my life, I doubt I’ll change that much.  Yet, when it comes to the power of my brain and its overload, in some ways I have because I can now learn to think “fuck it,” say “fuck it,” and do “fuck it” in the sense of fucking scrap everything I had planned on a certain day and just exist.  Some days I need to just exist and not have a massive plan written down on paper and in my head and just live.  This is what my life has always been, constantly trying to catch up and as my roommate says, “jam packing a thousand things into one day.”  As you can probably guess, this isn’t such a great way to live, let alone healthy.  It causes great stress among other things such as pressure.  So, as I inch closer to 50 although as of right now I’m closer to 40, it won’t be that way forever.  This begs the question of why some people think it isn’t right to ask a woman her age.  My response to this is “I don’t care if people know my age,” because I would hope you’d be able to ballpark it given how the more than a few strands of white hair on my head  are clearly visible (still not sure how I feel about this) and the lines on my face that used to not be there are definitely there.  For the first time, I admit that if I had an unlimited supply of money I might do something to decrease the size of my pores and the wrinkles on my face, but this is vanity speaking.  It’s better to think about the things I don’t have in terms of illness and focus on the things I want in life that mean way more to me than losing my wrinkles. 

I’m at a point where I’m subtracting crap that doesn’t work for me (mainly mentally and emotionally) and hopefully working to add stuff I desire (mainly physical and monetary).  I live a life of plotting, editing, and sorting enough that writing without much planning is a good thing.  I call it diarrhea of the mouth.  I also call it a reminder to get my ass back in gear with my rewrite because my life is a circle of continuous action and non action.  I don’t have time for sharp edges like triangles and squares anymore.  I don’t have time for overly caustic people who can’t even put themselves into another person’s shoes.  I’m not asking for a week’s length of time, maybe a few minutes, but I find this lack of commonality alarming.  I get humans are different people because of race, class, and values. We all don’t have to think and act the same.  We seem to be in conflict as a collective whole where people minimize important issues while exploiting others that are taken way out of context.  We’ve never reached the middle ground as a society, and while I’m a loyal supporter of a few causes and beliefs (being you will never convince me that dog fighting is a good thing or that you will never convince me to sit down for a complimentary paid lunch at the fanciest restaurant LA can offer with any of the Kardashian family including Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner), I think it has to be there somewhere. It’s hard given the current political atmosphere to remain quiet all of the time, and while I might post something that will irritate some people (those hardcore supporters that will go down in flames defending their beliefs), I’m not going to be silent because of fear I will upset someone.  I consider myself respectful in most circumstances, but I’m not a shameless agitator either.  I realize the political climate is fragile and not just in the U.S. although from where I’m sitting, it seems the U.S. is dominating world headlines for all the wrong reasons.  I often wonder how the world views the U.S. as a collective whole.  As I’m learning not to carry the weight of others and world issues on my shoulders, I’m curbing my need to also not over think these issues either.  My focus has been more inward, on what I have control over and can change.  With this in mind, I think it’s time to crack out any one of my CDs collecting dust and crank up the tunes and forget about labels and get shit done without pressure.  You know how it goes, right?

2019

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