Journal Entry Type #7

maze

Let’s Talk About Anxiety

I recently asked someone if I’m more obsessive compulsive or anxious.  Why?  Because I tend not to think of myself as anxious.  I’ve gone through most of my life having other emotions, the run of the mill along with some that stems from what happened to me a long time ago, but this isn’t the point of this blog entry.  The point is I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, which is why I catch myself dialing it back once in a while.  Sometimes, I think I share too much but then I wouldn’t be me.  This was the answer I received.  You’re more obsessive about getting things done, which makes you think about it too much, and this creates your anxiety.  I never would’ve said this.  I prided myself in being on an even keel as much as I can.  I like a platform that doesn’t sway all over place.  But now I do see anxiety does flare up inside when it comes to goals and the timing involved.

Let’s Talk About Flying

I’ve been on enough plane rides to know when the pilot flying the plane has put in many miles in the skies versus one who hasn’t.   I was only on one plane ride where the pilot was new.  The landing was the bumpiest I’d ever been on and mind you this was on a clear day.  The sun was shining.  The clouds were fluffy.  Not a drop of bad weather.  I would say it might have been his first flight.  I can deal with this to an extent.  Just don’t crash the plane, okay.  The annoyance I can’t get rid of is my plugged up ears.  No matter what I do, they plug up so bad I can hardly hear anything.  Even gum doesn’t work sometimes.  This when I have to relieve the pressure myself.  I’m sure I look stupid, but it has to be done.  No doubt I’ll be doing this when I fly back to Los Angeles for work.  I’m looking forward to it because I feel this is a transition period for me.  It sounds corny, but I have affinity for the places I used to live.  It will be good to be in the city that opened and closed its doors to me.

Let’s Talk About Jury Duty

I got back from exercising the other day to find out when I checked the mail, I was summoned for jury duty.  I’m not the first or last person to be called to this ever important duty as they claim.  I half take the stance of “who cares” and half “what is this shit.”  No use postponing it.  I’d rather do this when it’s not 110 degrees.  The week after I get back from Los Angeles, the following Monday I have to report to jury.  The last time I did this was in Los Angeles, and ended up going to a much smaller place than downtown but still busy. The chance of getting picked is remote when you’re in the second pool.  I got out after serving a day’s worth of my time.  I’m hoping they don’t need me.  The statistics are in my favor.

Let’s Talk About Wellness

This brings me to the point of trying to improve two areas of my life.  If you haven’t realized it yet, health and writing, continues to be the focal point of my existence.  It will until the day I die.  I’ve been trying to find the time including the motivation to make the time to do both.  My deadlines are still written on more than one piece of paper.  I’m definitely learning to go with the flow more.  I’ve been jotting down a few things I want to do every day instead of five to ten.  I ended up playing a game where strategy is the key.  It’s not as complex as chess and a lot more fun.  I was told I played dirty, but I can’t when I didn’t even realize what I had done until halfway into it.  Nevertheless, I won.  My overarching goal is to have variety in my life and try new things.  I’m sort of doing this.

Let’s Talk About Survival

With certain age comes wisdom and for me that is focusing on myself is the best thing to do, all the while disengaging, at times, from the negative and chaotic chatter and issues going on around you whether it be work, family, politics, or general public.  This doesn’t mean you have to be cold to others, but it does mean your basic necessities and emotional well-being should and must come first.  It’s about remaining strong in areas you already are and gaining strength in the ones you lack.  I’m talking mental and emotional strength.  Taking a good look at weak areas is always beneficial.  I’ve recognize patterns I hadn’t seen before.  Saying no and standing up to people is part of this.  We say sorry too much as a whole although some could stand to say it a little more.  For all the mail that comes in from organizations asking for donations, I’d be a whole lot richer if I could find a way to use all the wasted paper for a monetary benefit.

Let’s Talk About Future

I’m currently reading four books.  One is about mental health and the current person sitting in the Oval Office.  I’m only 50 some pages deep, and already offers good insight and information.  While it covers Donald Trump, it is much more than that.  This is a type of book where you find yourself comparing yourself and others to what they are saying.  I’m interested to see what else it says.  I’m curious where my life goes too.  I have my ideal timeline of what events I want to happen in what year.  This is the planner and plotter in me.  I also have a realistic timeline that isn’t so adhered to any year.  It’s taken me a while to not think in black and white or the glass is half empty or half full.  There really is an in between.

Let’s Talk About Reality

Looking back, I had lofty dreams and it even included kids at one point (must have been at a time when I was delusional).  I no longer want to live in a ten room house with four kids (what the hell was I thinking).  I no longer want to live on a hobby farm when I retire.  It’s nice not having to take care of a dog, cat, or rabbit anymore.  I no longer want to smoke cigarettes and write all night long when everyone is asleep.  I no longer want to live the life of a starving artist or writer.  Now, I have dreams but of another kind.  It’s called reality.  I want to be able to retire at a decent age, pay off my loan, and enjoy the little things in life have to offer. And of course, get to a weight I can stand and write my seven novels.  Then if I get that done, write my eight other book ideas.  I’ve broken them up into two parts.  The same goes for blogging.  I’m more than likely giving up something tonight so I have time to blog.  See, I have improved and can bend a little bit.

Onward,

Pisaries Creator

2019

 

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