Journal Entry Type #44: How Different Are We? Very, I Hope!

I’ve been watching more shows than I probably should since getting Amazon and the first streaming service I watched, Netflix.  I’ve watched a documentary about Darrell Hammond, powerfully explosive and recommend it to anyone who wants to see the effects of child abuse.  You can watch it on Netflix.  I’ve watched a documentary about Lorena Gallo and John Wayne Bobbitt as a four part docuseries.  If you can get away from all the stupidity of John, it is a very good documentary.  I’m not going to say his ex-wife wasn’t guilt free because she wasn’t, but she comes across as more sane by the end of it.  Lorena and John, as a detective noted, were made for each other.  Luckily, they are no longer together.  I watched a short documentary about Ivan IV Vasilyevich and more popularly known as Ivan the Terrible.  Whether he truly was mad at the end of his reign, it doesn’t surprise me he killed his own son.  I watched another short documentary about Nadia Comăneci (Romanian gymnast) and Nicolae Ceaușescu (Romanian dictator).  You can watch these on Amazon.  I also was reminded about the case of Theresa Knorr, a mother who severely beat her children and killed two of her daughters, and for this she will spend the rest of her life in prison.  You can watch this on TV.

So, why am I bringing this up?  Because as much as I like to think child abuse is a rare phenomenon, it is not.  No matter where you live, knock on any given door in any given city or town, and you will find it.  Because as much as I like to think world leaders don’t want to be dictators, some do and crave the violence and power.  Because it is good information to keep in the back of my mind for my future stories.  Because I sometimes wonder why I’m so fearful of coming right out with the facts of my own child abuse when others before me have been so strong and courageous with their own stories.  They view themselves not as victims but survivors.  It isn’t that I don’t see myself as strong, but my own mental weaknesses sometimes get in my way.  Yet, I completely understand and sympathize/empathize with others who have dealt with similar issues as myself.  I don’t see them as faulty, but at times, I see myself as just that.  I think this is the biggest, negative, long lasting effect of any kind of abuse.  It is that you compartmentalize to not see yourself as a weak human being or at least, that is what I did. 

It took me forever to not want to be a like a robot.  You might find this funny, but seriously growing up, I did not want to have any kind of feelings, thoughts, or emotions.  I wanted to be a damn robot.  I thought life would be much simpler that way.  Looking back, it was a combination of denial for what happened to me and connection with my biological father on some dysfunctional level.  I hated and loved him at the same time.  He was the person who set strict rules for his family.  You ate when he gave you permission.  You defecated when he said it was okay.   You did everything he told you to do, more or less.  If you didn’t, there were consequences.  How can you love someone back who clearly hated you?  Watch the Darrell Hammond documentary.  He explains this perfectly. 

When I was in grade school, I made a little fort under the desk in the living room.  It was where I stored food and when my mom found out, she told me I didn’t have to hide food there.   There was no reason for me to do this because the refrigerator was always full as well as the cupboards.  It was something ingrained in me when I was very young.  I can relate to Darrell Hammond cutting himself because it is a form of self medication.  No one in their right mind likes to hear about violence against children, but let’s just say having suicidal tendencies is par for the course.  It’s about as common as a smoker usually needing assistance to quit smoking, either a patch or ultra light cigarettes.  I did that once, the ultra light cigarettes.  Seriously, can you even call them cigarettes?  It felt like I was inhaling air through the filter.  The things I remember doing in my early twenties.  It didn’t work either which means the mind is a very powerful thing and of course, nicotine.  I suppose I’m looking for even more closure when I continue writing and finish my second story even though I’d love to dive head first into my trilogy that might become just one book and I haven’t even finished my rewrite.  I find myself being lazy these days and only wanting to color although I did read this weekend.  The main thing I need to do this week is get a doctor referral so I can resume seeing my massage therapist.  I’ll put my non-existent money where my actual mouth is very soon.  I suppose this is what life is about, the ebb and flow, and sometimes just the ebb.  This is all I can offer on this Monday: a little bit of indifference, nostalgia, reality, and optimism.


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