Journal Entry Type #59: The World and Me

There lies the problem, and not calling it a problem is the first step, the first step to what makes anyone’s life better. You come from it at a different angle. I’ve been known to complain about not having enough time. I’m sure the naysayers are there actually is enough time if you make the time. Yeah, there is but then you forfeit something else. Something’s got to go. This is where acceptance comes into mind. I only have a certain amount of hours in the day. Know it and deal with it. Accept it and grow from it.

With everything going on politically, socially, medically (covid and the random daily ailments people go through like headaches), I’ve been really wanting to be able to not have things bother me so much or be as present in my life. My future has been even more on less steady ground and this has created even more anxious feelings and obsessive thoughts.

I really thought 2020 would be a real game changer for me in many ways before covid started. It turned the world upside down and it’s never gotten back to normal again. Despite the current situation, I’m learning to let my guard down even more and try new things (in the angle of improving one’s life). I know that is vague, but if you’re anything like me when it comes to certain things, there is a A LOT of resistance. I’m caught at the moment of really trying to break the shell on something and while I’m being still vague, it’s something that I know, hands down, no one else feels unless they’ve been in my shoes. The sad thing is there are others who are in my same shoes. I think this is another reason why I’m becoming even more committed to the idea of writing all my story ideas.

Surprisingly, I learned even more this year about negotiating with people, tolerating different viewpoints (not political although everyone needs a semester long class on toleration right now), releasing past feelings about others, and being okay with never being compatible with certain people. The Olympics were being televised during my brother’s wedding and I remember watching it as a nice diversion to the U.S. presidential race. I purposely have been staying clear of airing my views on politics, but I’m serious as a heart attack when I say the 2020 presidential and senate elections will decide if the U.S. remains a representative democracy. I call right now a “no bueno” moment. No matter what you are (disgruntled, apathetic, fiscal voter, or a combination), if you live in the U.S. = VOTE!!! The rest of what is happening speaks for itself.

I have a feeling many will purposely erase 2020 from their minds when 2021 hits, but people can’t turn off their brains like that. I really wish I could in many respects. When I am old, it will be a year that blends in like the rest. You know how I know that? Because I can already tell a difference between my brain from my 30s to my brain in my 40s. Maybe, it just happens to creative people, but I don’t think so. I still remember certain things from other 30 years ago. What was the name of the woman a man I knew married? Her name was J. Birch. Yet, it’s becoming less what I remember what I did on any given day within any two week span of time. It’s not any coincidence this is happening. I think.

As the last three remaining months are soon to become a bygone, I keep going with my writing, rewriting, coloring, and other things I’d like to make time for, at least once a month. While I’m trying to get in better shape physically, I’m also trying to get in better shape mentally. There’s always moving parts in my life. Always. I can’t speak for others, but sometimes knowing I have people who love and care about me is enough. Other days I want so much more and that is where the dreamer in me comes in.

Until the next time, keep writing writers and keep creating creators. ( I obviously didn’t proofread this enough and promise that will not happen with my novels because I’ll be hiring someone to do that for me).

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