Journal Entry Type #65: Not What I Wanted but Here I Am

It’s not surprising how I recently got more time on my hands. More than I would’ve liked, but I’m looking at this as an opportunity to catch up on things I’ve been putting off. I took the first two days once hearing the news to digest it and not get so wrapped up in the emotions of it. I just hope it doesn’t last too long into the New Year. Yes, 2020 has been a complete shit show for me. Not that the last ten years has been that bright and cheery, but nothing like this year. I would like a redo of this year, but only if I have control over certain things. Since I don’t have this kind of power, I will completely let go of 2020 and hope and look forward to 2021 and beyond. I’m sick of much of what is going on in the U.S. as many others are as well. The fact the current president won’t transition his intel to the incoming president. The fact the current president wants to start something in another country that could lead to more aggression. The fact that many in Washington D.C. won’t grow a spine and worse, think COVID isn’t really an issue. I’ve been leery of posting something that agitates others on social media, but let’s face it, things don’t look good for the U.S. right now. Sure, we will eventually have enough COVID vaccine for people (hopefully more take it than not), but in the meantime, wear your masks and social distance. I’m so sick of people putting a negative spin on masks and worse a political spin on COVID. Get real. Grow up. Be an adult. Enough of the stupidity. Again, grow the hell up.

It doesn’t even feel like the holidays and yet I went shopping yesterday for groceries (personal and holiday food). I didn’t want to but I had to do it. I’m thinking the pain I feel in my eyes is due to stress and am going to get back into my workout routine although I’m not feeling the greatest physically. I’m still battling with my loud neighbors (new ones) and yet, I hope to see more light at the end of the tunnel. I haven’t had many people buy my poetry book, but these are hard times. I’m hoping more take the plunge after I self publish my first novel. I know the most important thing is to write because of my desire to write, but having more than a few people buy my books would be lovely. I’m not expecting for it to pay for all of my costs of proofreading, but any bit helps. It’s a catch 22. I don’t want to put out any unproofread book, but I also don’t want to self publish books that never get bought. The concept I wrestle with from time to time. I guess I have to gauge it and see how I feel after I self publish a few novels. I don’t need to make my decision right now and try to resolve all my personal issues but these things cross my mind.

I’m checking in with everyone because I don’t want to check out and lose myself in this extra free time I have. I do better with a schedule, as that is where I am most productive (okay sometimes), but now I have to be as productive as I can be without a concrete schedule. On this note, I recently saw ketchup candy canes which is on the same vein as anything bacon flavored including bacon itself. Sorry to all you swine eaters, but this is just gross. I don’t know if I feel half empty or half full. I don’t even know if I’m even half of anything, but as one week bleeds into another (especially this year), I’m still here and remaining positive. I worked on my puzzle sitting out for two years and maybe, just maybe I’ll finish it by the end of this year. Of course, it had to be a challenge puzzle. Why do I pick the hardest one? As for my novel rewrite. I plan on getting it done definitely by the end of this year (no excuses) and start on my second one and if I’m really gung ho about it, finish it sooner than later in 2021. I realized I had chosen all these quotes about calmness and tranquility but went to the back burner once I received the news. As some say during the hard times, this is when you need to be the most calm in the storm. The good thing is I have a job to come back to where others don’t. Be safe everyone and good luck in whatever you are doing.

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