Journal Entry Type #78: I Don’t Know Where the Beginning, Middle, or End is, Do You?

My life isn’t as bad as the guy in the hourglass, but sometimes I do feel as if my life is spinning. It’s not spinning out of control but full of the same motions. By this repetitive motion over and over, I sometimes feel very lopsided where my life is passing me by. I know it isn’t. I’m breathing and living it. This month is almost done which means I’m giving myself four months to finish my second novel idea. This will bring me to the end of June. I know I’m not giving myself as much time as my first novel. For the love of everything good and bad, I doubt I will ever take that long to write a story as that one did. I’m surprised that I’m propelling forward as much as I am on my two sisters story. Even better that I’m on chapter nine although I hoped to finish it last night. Lo and behold, I did not and after I ate. It’s amazing how much a body gets tired after eating. It’s amazing how much this pandemic has wrecked so many people’s lives. I can only speak for myself and the country I know all too well but this pandemic has split families and neighbors apart because it’s been politicized to the point of stupidity.

I’ve been trying hard to focus on the things I have control over, my own personal life, but I’m becoming much more unwilling to accept those things that the average person (with a brain) recognizes in society. Trust me when I say that the Republican party has a lot more holes to fit your hand through than the Democrats. I keep hearing of disaffected Republicans like Michael Steele saying it’s no longer the party of Lincoln. While I think Lincoln is a fascinating person, I personally don’t want to go backward. I want to go forward. The Republican is still the Trump party and the current CPAC attendees are also calling it TPAC. Solidarity behind a candidate is nothing new but solidarity behind a sitting president who fails to accept loss hurts everyone including Democrats. The most noticeable is in the unwillingness to work with Democrats to pass legislature that is widely accepted across the country and the willingness to curb voting opportunities in battleground states. In other words, Republicans are playing dirty and this game of back and forth continues. The worst of it is that a core part of the Republican party is submerged in a tank of white supremacy. Forget putting on your wetsuit and jump in feet first without looking to see how deep the water really is. Be careful not to break your ankle along the way or worse. Sure, I could keep my mouth shut about all of this turmoil happening in U.S. politics but for what purpose? What good is it to be alive if I can’t express myself in a tactful and honest way.

While I go on with my secluded life because of COVID and who the hell knows when it will be my turn to get the vaccine, I continue living somewhere in the cycle of beginning, middle, and end. I sort of recently wrote a poem about cancel culture but please do not see this as a statement that I am a Republican. I am not and yes, there are decent Republicans out there that don’t share the same disgusting views as some of them lining up like soldiers to overturn the U.S. government. Again, this doesn’t make sense because Trump is now part of the establishment in Washington D.C. He is a former president. He is part of what they are trying to destroy. These homegrown terrorists want anarchy. I wish more people could see this. My fears of this threat ebbs and flows. This damages more than what the Republican party used to be prior to 2016.I really do hope that in the next decade things normalize and this part of U.S. history becomes just that, history. We should never forget the struggles between good and bad, micro and macro, and recognize the difference between strengthening a few versus many.

I’m looking forward to next week, a new month, and getting out in nature for a few days. I’m looking even more forward to traveling to places near and far when the pandemic is over. A weight lifted from my shoulders when January 2021 started. I’m willing to lose even more but more I want to get to that point in my life again. I want to freaking walk down the Las Vegas strip without a mask. Being the creative thinker I will always be, in the meantime turn on more lightbulbs than less and replace them when they burn out.

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