Journal Entry Type #103: Really, He Said That?!

When you’re not feeling it, you’re really not feeling it. The thrill is gone. The spark is gone. Everything is gone. I’ve been doing a lot of mindless thinking (sometimes wishful), writing introductions (stupid, I might add), reading the short stories written by someone I know (in my free time) because I don’t want to do anything else. I haven’t even gone back seriously to my second novel idea since returning back to NV. My heart isn’t in it and that’s okay. I’m sick of certain things in life most decent human beings who have a heart still beating inside them feel (annoyed and irritated and angry sometimes). The biggest motivation for writing this is feeling guilty for not blogging nearly enough as I should and the baby now adult that was on the Nirvana cover of their second album, Nevermind. I refuse to say his name because I think it’s bullshit. For all the circus media of Chris Cuomo and his now brother, the ex-governor of NY, Cuomo hit it right on the nail. It’s a slap to the face of children who actually are forced into doing pornography and worse, forced into child-sex trafficking. You don’t get to scream foul when you posed underwater in the same position during the 20th album anniversary. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Someone once told me that her son had already gone through a lot of trauma in his lifetime because his grandmother died (naturally and in her twilight years). I thought to myself, lady, you have no idea what severe trauma is and what it does to a person. Sure, losing a grandmother when you are in middle school is not ideal and while it was probably traumatic to her son, it’s not the same as the level of traumatic experiences some children live. I say this because it just isn’t. A child can bounce back from many things, but some things never come back once they are gone. I see this lawsuit as nothing but a way to get money. This is hard for me to say because while everyone’s feelings should be viewed equally, this guy doesn’t have a leg to stand on in my opinion. He doesn’t for so many reasons. Maybe, I needed to respond to push me to get back to writing my second novel, my own story, my own horrors, my own trauma because I’m definitely needing something to get me back on track. Call is lazy, stubborn, or a combination of because it’s been hanging around for a while. Then again, having certain areas of my life be uprooted doesn’t help either but such is life.

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