Journal Entry Type #112: The End is Not Near but Close

I spent my holiday weekend working, celebrating a birthday (not mine), and eating way too much food. Before I could do all of this, I had to call the gas company to make sure the stove I had didn’t blow up my apartment complex and everything in it and pick up my car because it needed repairs again. I find myself in the same situation as in the past: not quite ready to turn my life around and being lazy in many ways to find the motivation to take the steps to change. I keep thinking 2022 will be the year where I will turn a leaf, but with the onset of another strain of COVID, it’s made me cranky. I want to be done and over with this stupid virus as everyone else in the world, but it never will go away if the leaders of all countries don’t deal with reality and work together. I don’t know what it will take for everyone in the world to realize the more you resist getting the vaccine, the more you spread false information about vaccines, the more you continue to connect this pandemic to politics, the longer it will take for everyone in the world to get back to where we were before COVID 19 hit us all in the face. As of right now there are 261.5 million cases worldwide and 5.1 million deaths worldwide. The number of cases should be decreasing and it is in a very few countries (those that are taking great precautions with testing, isolating, and vaccinating), but the reality for most countries including the U.S. is we keep having more cases, more hospitals filling up, and more deaths as well. I’m not a medical expert and yet, I feel smarter than a lot of people living in the U.S. right now. There is no possible way to avoid viruses mutating but a surefire way to let them mutate is to not get vaccinated. I know everyone has his or her right to get vaccinated or not, but there comes a point in time when enough is enough. The U.S. didn’t have to go down this trajectory. We really didn’t have to and here we are again with winter soon approaching with a new strain. Someone looking in on planet Earth must think we are really messed up because in many ways we haven’t done much to show otherwise. Through all the turmoil within and around me, I’m thankful for the people in my life, the possibilities in front of me, the comforts I have within my reach, and even the terrible movies I only half watch. So maybe 2022 will actually be the year I turn a new leaf and as I desire for more money and success every year, I have other things to think about too and that is my physical and mental health. I bought some books a few days ago to help me get into the grind again. I need to do it for myself. I only need the courage to do it. I wanted to live a long life as longevity was important to me. I said often in my 20s and now that I’m older, I lost some of that desire to live a long time. I’ve grown apart from certain ideas, people, and groups since COVID started and realized what I need to work through for myself has to come only by myself. It’s easy to get bogged down into the technical and academic nuisance of trauma, but when push comes to shove, the effects remain. Some people have said things or viewed me as something different than what my perception was of myself. They judged me harshly or labeled me as something negative (mainly in my 20s). I can’t change their minds even though I wish I could go back in time and have this power. I’ve found ways to let it go and move past it. There’s more work to be done and this is why I’m excited to read these new books I got and go back to some old books and pick them up again. This is all I have to say for now which is more than I thought I would write. Now I’m going to eat the rest of my potatoes I probably have to heat up again and watch some TV before I go to bed and yes, exercise later.

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