Journal Entry Type #145: So Are The Days Of Our Lives but This Isn’t A Soap Opera But Real Life

For some reason since I lost my job prior to the one I currently have, I’ve been going up and down the rungs of a ladder called life. You could say many things remind me of the hardships in life. Ever since I can remember I thought my life would be difficult because a part of my childhood was that word and more (pre and post-adoption for different reasons) but now I don’t want it to be so. A long time ago I watched a TV special on Madonna that chronicled her life up to the breakthrough album that catapulted her into the music world and made her a household name. Not many singers can hold an audience that long and be relevant over time and go by one name. Of course, Prince and Beyonce hold the title. The thing is she didn’t listen to her manager or someone else close to her who gave her advice saying she wasn’t ready for the big leagues yet and to wait a few more years. She didn’t listen to the person and the rest is history.

I’m at the point in my life where no matter what the time, it isn’t perfect to do anything whether it be selling my creations or writing my second story. I either think I’m not in the right mindset which I’m not really because I’m trying to change my current situation and make it better (money wise) and it’s hard to think creatively and be creative when your financial situation has taken a downturn. I’m not saying I’m living on the streets, but let’s just say I miss my old job in some respects. It’s crazy how a little pulling on a wrench can loosen your attitude about things. I’ve come to the conclusion despite needing my needing a new filling for one of my molars among needing to go the dentist for the dreaded cleaning that I’m looking at finding a new job as a challenge. I realize before I even applied, I was thinking very negatively about the situation and feeling less than hopeful of ever moving out of this situation.

Some say there’s nothing you can’t handle that God presents you and others that say bad shit happens for sometimes no reason at all. I fall somewhere in the middle because without some kind of positive feelings and thoughts, there is nothing to live for. Seriously, nothing much to live for without knowing there is something more powerful than yourself whether it be a higher power or motive or reason. I’m almost done reading my Kurt Vonnegut book and while I disagree with some of his thoughts and opinions, I will say much of what he says is real and true and worthy to read. I keep saying the next year will be better, but it won’t unless there’s a combination of hard work and discipline (in my case to get a new job and lose weight and finish my second story and sell my artwork) and if one out of the four happens, I’ll be still here and have to face the fact I’m average.

Yet, I’m aiming higher regarding the end of this year into next year because I’m not giving myself the best probability of winning what I most want in life which is more financial security and more overall balance. These are the things that will make me happy. These are the things that will make me feel good about myself. These are the things that give me purpose to keep moving even though I’m not so much now. I’m not looking to be the next Madonna or in my case the next George R.R. Martin, but some kind of change would be nice. I don’t need millions of dollars to feel rewarded in life, but some of you know what I mean about not staying up at night because of the insecurities you faced. I’m sick of waiting and thinking about what might happen. I just need to do it even though when it comes to writing, it takes MAJOR TIME! I’d rather try and fail than not try and fail regarding other parts of my life. If not now, then when? I end with three statements. One from Kurt Vonnegut, one from Charles Kettering, and one from me.

Kurt Vonnegut: I’m a space wanderer named Kurt.

Charles Kettering: Failing is one of the greatest arts in the world.

Me: I’m an Earth dweller name Kim that has failed and also succeeded.

One more thing, I saw a few puzzles I really wanted but didn’t buy them because of my situation. First of all, I don’t need more freaking puzzles. I recently got a new Apple TV to replace my old one. It’s pretty awesome. I truly end with a small puzzle that was harder than it looked. I don’t drink wine and I should eat way less cheese, but it gives you good pairing suggestions other than cheese. I used to work with someone who wanted to have a winery and sell cheese too. Maybe, I could hang my art in there. A girl can dream, right?