Journal Entry Type #149: Saturday Sickness

I’ve spent the last week trying to not get sick because I’ve been around sick people. Needless to say, I got sick and now have been trying to not let the virus get too out of hand, as if I even have a choice. I’ve been watching Animal Kingdom all day long and wishing I was healthy enough to get back to exercising and knowing I need to still work on eating better. It’s finally cooling down in the desert because my feet are cold now, even with socks on, and might need to upgrade to my wool socks. Like any big city, there are homeless people on the streets and wonder how they aren’t found dead outside from the cold. I suppose feeling somewhat grateful comes to mind I can sleep in a bed (even though I’m overdue for a new one) under three blankets and too many pillows. The state of the world economy is in the crapper and while I’m disgruntled at times about the present and future outcome, I’m more concerned about how I’m going to make it through, and if there will ever be more balance and equality for those of us who struggle. The midterms are early next week in the U.S. and luckily, I took off three days in a row from work, so I just need to make it through Monday and hope by Friday my sickness is completely gone or almost on its way out of my body.

When I started my blog in 2017, it was for a completely different reason and my mind was in a different state of being. I can’t believe it will be six years I’ve had this blog at the end of this year. I’m nowhere near the goal I intended for my writing and coloring. I’m not even close when it comes to my career and balance. There are things I admire in others that I will never be and amazed at how some people deal with such bigger issues are resilient. I’m not minimizing my own problems and my own courage and strength because I do have both within me. Lately, I haven’t been mentally tested in a way I used to when I was younger. Now, my obstacles in life are of a different variety, so to speak, and ones I never thought I’d experience today. I never think January first of any New Year was truly a clean slate because that’s not how life operates. People carry their problems from day to day and that includes December 31st to January 1st. People still retain their mindsets and physical bodies when people ring in the New Year. This year I will be working again over New Year’s and don’t know much of anything else. Ever since I lost my job due to COVID, my life has gone downhill in many ways. I’m waiting for some miracle to happen even though I know there are no miracles to be had and my retirement account has been slashed to pieces.

I try not to think about it and have some kind of faith for my future and the general future. I’m not deluding myself in any way although many others are doing it by the bucketful. If only I had done, if only I had wished, if only I had known what I know now, I would be in a completely different place, a much better place, a place where I’m not struggling so much. I play this game with myself of “at least I’m not this person who did unimaginable things to people” or “at least I’m not dealing with this on top of everything else crappy going on in my life.” Call it what you will as it puts things in perspective, but the power of this game is losing its strength. I’m feeling more and more like a worm on the end of a fishing line. It hurts the more I move but can’t stop moving because it’s the only thing I can do. And this blog is one of the things I have going for myself or so it seems because many have my dreams have died and ordinary is only that and nothing more.

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