Journal Entry Type #157: I Really Don’t Know What’s Going On!

Call is stress. Call it fear. Call it anxiety. Call it whatever you want. In whatever way it is called, these emotions you feel influence your life in negative ways and make you really tired. I’m not saying I’m feeling any of these things at the moment, but many are in their lives. In some ways, I do feel some stress, fears, and anxieties, but not the in the severity of others. I find myself not wanting to go too deep about my faults, insecurities, my faults, my inabilities, my demons, my triggers, and most of all the thorns in my sides that won’t leave because I’m more worried about other things going on around me that I have no control over. Parts of my life have improved to an extent. While I’m still glad to be alive and kicking, there are other parts of my life deeply unsatisfying. I’m not sure how to interpret this or if I want to hold onto it anymore. I haven’t gone grocery shopping at an actual grocery store in a while. I ended up doing that today, taking my time, and it was a great feeling. I also went to another store to browse and bought some things I didn’t need that were relatively cheap. It feels like I’ve been removed from doing things normal people do when they aren’t working. I wish I had all the answers and all the money and all the means to live the life I want and have the people I care about live the life they want, but I’m not a self-made millionaire. I mean wouldn’t that be nice. There’s talk of bringing the lottery to Nevada and maybe if the state constitution changes, I’ll buy a few tickets now and then.

This brings me to another topic where I’m sure my opinion and views will trigger some disagreements. I recently saw a post of a woman who had the time to create these extravagant meals for her son. When I looked at this video, I thought to myself she obviously doesn’t work outside of the home. No mother who has a full-time job outside of the home could do this. There is no freaking way. Not when part of the process is placing one grain of rice at a time to create the end result of Peter the Rabbit. She didn’t live in the U.S. so maybe that is why she was able to do this. I’ve recently had a conversation where the U.S. demands their citizens work at least 40 hour per week or more to stay afloat without sinking to the bottom of the ocean or falling off a 40-foot ladder to your death. This begs question of privilege for certain women and married couples. Most U.S. citizens need to have both parents working or else bills won’t get paid and children won’t be fed properly. Even in some families with both parents working, children still aren’t fed properly. I commented how I wouldn’t have the patience to do this or want my kid to eat my masterpiece. I also made the comment on how this kid might grow up to be only wants to eat at the best restaurants. I’m sure this upsets some mothers but not everyone has the means to stay at home or hire a nanny.

I understand all about not wanting to shame women who stay at home, but there is an implied privilege for them to do this in the first place. Yes, we should all be supporting our fellow man and woman, but ignoring the differences within family life is about as stupid as saying why can’t be just all get along? I can’t tell you how dumb this saying is because it isn’t that simple. I really wish it was, but clearly the complexity of modern life means it will never be that simple. This doesn’t mean you stop from making things better in whatever ways you can. Maybe, I’m just at this point in my life where I’m officially that older person who no longer gets what teenagers and young adults say and do. Maybe, I’m making a bigger deal out of it than I should and just shut my mouth and be quiet. Keep my opinions and views to myself. We all post things on social media and decide to take them down. I did it with this recent post. Maybe, I’m not being as open minded as I should’ve been but I’m not the type of person to say I will support my fellow woman no matter what, no questions asked. I’ve decided that if I can’t be firing on all my cylinders, I’m doing what I can do to survive and help me advance to the next intersection. It’s taking longer to start than I wanted it to be regarding 2023, but compromising and evolving is just as important as moving and doing.

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