I will be the first to admit I have addictions. There are times I am drawn to something when staying away is the much better choice. There are other times when stress gets the best of me and I do the walk of shame of asking for a current smoker if they have a cigarette. I feel bad usually for asking and wanting to somehow make it up to the person for taking one of her/his cigarettes away. I offer to pay money or buy something in return. The answer is always “no, it’s okay.” Yet, is it really okay. Why not just buy a pack of cigarettes? Why be a pest one day out of the week?
I’ve been battling more or less for the last 23 years of completely stopping smoking. I don’t smoke cigarettes 11.5 out of 12 months. I was never a heavy smoker back in the day as the most I smoked was half a pack in one day. Okay, maybe I was in some respects, but compared to a two pack a day smoker, then no, I wasn’t a heavy smoker. I have caved here and there where in the past five years, I buy a pack of American Spirits and smoke them like tobacco crops are in danger. My doctor thinks I’m a former smoker, and while I am most of the time, there is a need for me to quit once and for all.
I know it isn’t doing my body or mind any favors. Inhaling smoke doesn’t really fix anything. It is much an illusion in one’s mind. The chemicals and tobacco don’t fix anything in the long run. It is temporary and with everything going on these days from political to personal, it only lasts a few seconds after you have crushed the butt into the ashtray. You need another one within a few hours even though it is a want. This is a weird concept. You want something that slowly kills you. It will take hours and sometimes days off your life. Yet, a smoker does not think about that because if they did, she or he would not smoke. They would value their lives and not engage in this gross and destructive habit. Yet, being a person who enjoys packing the cigarette box, lighting the cigarette and inhaling the chemicals/nicotine, I understand the draw of cigarettes. If I could have it my way and not give much thought to what it did to me, I would smoke my heart out and die in what I would view as a “blaze of glory.” I knew someone who wanted to die by overdosing on heroin. It isn’t a romantic way to go. There is nothing decent about this. I look back and wonder what had happened for the person to want to die this “glorious death.”
I can only think of the inherent glamour in drug usage one finds in some pockets of society, but when you strip away all the parts of it associated with privilege and money, all that remains is a drug addict. No matter how you slice it, if you quit one addiction such as cigarettes, you will move onto another addiction like eating too much of something or something not so physical but mentally related. I’m not well versed in addiction as I don’t have my degree in addiction counseling or how to treat addiction. I do know from personal experience that in order to overcome the qualities found in addiction, one has to do some heavy soul-searching and address the underlying issues. Overcoming addiction takes hard work from recognizing your triggers and self-control when the cravings are so pervasive. I’ve made a pact with myself to not smoke at all in 2017. I broke that promise when February 2017 rolled around and found myself in stressful situations. It was as if everything went out the window I had learned in the past of how to deal with these situations. I knew it was not good for me, but I smoked anyway. My body and mind connection needed to be restored to normal, but my frustration and stubbornness resorted to smoking, the thing that brought me further from what would make my life feel stable.
This is why I stop and start my exercise regimen because there are times I feel what is the purpose of all this when I am to die in the end. I step back into reality and quit feeling sorry for myself. I accept the fact I will always deal with headaches, TMJ, and foot problems, but it is true that excessive weight only makes the situation worse. I’m learning to get “back on track” on my own terms and without the pressure I place on my shoulders. My out of reach goal of losing weight and jogging a half marathon has been reconstructed into a smaller, manageable goal. This doesn’t mean I can’t do it later, but currently all I want to achieve is exercising five times a week for an hour.
This brings me to the next topic of Coffee Bean Ice Tea. I have an addiction to CB Ice Tea and while it isn’t as deadly as cigarettes, it still isn’t good to drink so much caffeine. I get a blend of Pacific Coast (black) and Peach (green). I reached the Platinum level a few weeks ago and now working toward the VIP level. There was a window of time where I limited myself to one cup of CB Ice Tea per week. It didn’t last long and now have to find the acceptance of this addiction or make the effort where I don’t consume it at such an alarming rate. The two Coffee Bean establishments know my order and often have it ready before I arrive to pay for my drink. This is when I really recognized my addiction problem, but from another viewpoint, if this is my biggest addiction, then so be it. You live only once and life is too short to sweat the small things (to an extent).