Journal Entry Type #19: Seriously! Really! No Kidding!

For the last two weeks, I’ve been out of sorts and going through the motions of work without much going on except medical crap.  What I thought was a routine CT scan of my sinuses, to try to get some relief since I’ve been dealing with this what feels like forever, the radiologist wanted me to go back again for another scan.  I found out my sinuses are clear.  Really?  Where’s all this damn pain coming from I’ve dealt with since my late 20s?  I’m hoping for minor surgery after I prove the ENT doctor wrong what he suggested won’t work.  The whole ordeal has been annoying with a little bit of anxiety and craziness rolled into it.  The second time around the mass was identified in my face and need to wait to see the makeup of it.  Have I said before how much I hate needles?  I stopped donating blood for that reason despite Red Cross knocking on my door because of my blood type.  It’s good to not rush into things, but I desperately wanted answers today.   I haven’t been able to focus much on any kind of writing and instead have read the various stack of books near my bed, a few pages here and there.  I’ve been stuffing my emotions through eating and watching movies.  I realize it’s time to get back to the weekly grind of taking care of myself despite needing possible surgery.  I was okay with it in the beginning, but now am not okay because of everything that goes with it.  I would much rather spend my money in another way.   I don’t want to go through the healing process again.  It seems time has stopped for me, so to speak, and not in the frame of mind I would like to be: centered and whole.  I find myself wondering what other things will be growing where they shouldn’t, but what can I do?  Not much of anything, I guess.  I need to find a way to be okay with whatever happens.  I decided to post some pictures because it’s not every day you get to see the inside of your own body and right now I feel like sharing.


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