Journal Entry Type #69: C is for Christmas

I grew up with Christmas: the big artificial tree, the plethora of ornaments, the lights wrapped around the stairs handrailing, the candles in the windows, the wreath on the door, and the antique glass reindeer. Since leaving my parents’ house, I’ve never had a tree (alive or fake), never had ornaments, never had lights, never had wreaths, never had nothing. Because I don’t follow Christianity anymore although you could say I don’t follow any religion to the point of going to service any day of the week. I know very little about Catholicism, but some of it rings true to me. I’m a sucker for carrying guilt around although it’s become less of a battle within me. I know people who are Jewish and still put trees up. I’m a person who would rather not put anything up because then you don’t have to take it down. And yet, in this free time, I thought about creating a tree out of what I already have in the apartment.

I’ve been slowly getting rid of stuff: papers I don’t need anymore and clothes I will never fit into anymore. If I haven’t stuffed my way into those jeans from 20 years ago by now, I probably won’t ever again. And yet, I hold onto hope. Just one more jog. Okay, 100 more jogs. Time to get rid of more stuff. I recently got a water pack since I’m not going to the gym anymore. I haven’t used it yet, but I’m excited to try it out. I went through three boxes of cards and envelopes. I found this old card sent to me by a friend. This was after he found out my love for writing. I love Edgar Allan Poe and no one will convince me otherwise. I’ve been watching Christmas movies and wanted to watch five of them before posting this, but have only squeezed in three. Maybe next year I might buy a small tree. Then, I can have all the ornaments my parents still have that are mine. I suppose not every tree needs to be associated with Christmas. I will call it my Earth tree.

Two years ago I spent Christmas with my immediate family. The first time in about 20 years. It was good to be around them even though I wasn’t feeling the greatest. A lot of kids, a lot of noise, a lot of crying, a lot of surprises, a lot of eating, and making memories. Living day to day, knowing there is enough for me, although ever wanting more is my life now. I’m grateful for the ability to see the difference between fact and fiction although the blending of the two occurs in many instances. I’m not being as reactive about certain things. Just because something works for someone else, doesn’t mean I need to follow suit. This was what I probably learned the most this year. People I care about, know of, and am friends with express differing views, but I don’t need to follow them as much as they may try to convince me otherwise. This is the inner gift I have received this year: a further awareness of what I have learned and yet to learn.

As 15 days remain in 2020, I close it out by not making New Year resolutions because it has been a weird year. Not working without much notice has also been weird for me. I’ve been in this limbo of wanting to go back to work to get more structure and wanting to jam pack as much as I can in this precious time off from work (so far). I find myself not doing too much besides applying for UI every week. Those forms, I tell you. It’s getting colder out and now is the perfect time to get back to jogging outside. My body is screaming for this and maybe I am too a little bit. It’s who I am right now. So what are the movies I’ve watched? They are what I call mediocre movies in a mediocre year. All entertaining in their own way and surprisingly I liked the TV movie 12 Days of Christmas Eve the best. No descriptions as they speak for themselves. Have a good rest of the year everyone.

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