Old and New Idea #3

6/1/2010

So much has gone on in my life since I wrote last and yet I feel like nothing much has happened.  I seem to be a walking conundrum to my parents right now.  They have no problem supporting me and yet they feel I’m not meeting my full potential.  I sometimes wonder if they regret ever having me.  I had a high paying job in Silicon Valley to only lose it later to drinking and cocaine.  I guess you could say I’m a high functioning addict or at least that is what I saw myself to be.  Lately I’ve been feeling out of sorts.  I wonder if I deserve to live.  I had something happen to me a few days ago I shouldn’t talk about.  It has to do with these feelings I sometimes get when I walk down the street.  I’m minding my own business, but there are times I feel things coming from outside of my body. I know this sounds weird.  I don’t know how to describe it.  I don’t even mention it to my shrink because he’d find me even more maladjusted than he thinks I am.  Sometimes I wish I was a different person, a radically different person.  I wish I was one that didn’t have so many problems.  I thought about what my parents would think if I was gone.  They probably wouldn’t care because I have oodles of other brothers and sisters for them to hassle and annoy.  My dad called me the other day telling me he knew someone who knew someone who knew someone that could get me a job at some awful place I’ve never even heard of and don’t want to work at.  They must think I’m stupid or something.  Like I’m some retard that can’t tie his own shoelaces.  I think I know what is bothering me.  The thing poking me in the ribs.  It’s the part that I don’t know about myself that scares me.  It scares me to the point of me overcompensating for it.  I become unbearable to those around me.  I know I have everything in to live for but shit.  Do I really?  What does life mean?  What does a person mean?  Why can’t I stop thinking about the woman who left me for another woman?  It was ten fucking years ago.  Why did it take me a year to get over her?  She’s no longer attractive.  She cut her hair and quit wearing dresses.  She grew out her armpit hair.  She’s the stupid feminist I can’t stand.  She’s a bra burning feminist.  If you ask me, put on your fucking bra, a lace one if you have it, and shut up.  No one wants to hear about how you became the great woman on the 21st century.  Shit, I could go on and on about this .  Is it wrong to be traditional?  I knew a girl in high school and all she wanted to do was get married and have babies.  I didn’t find her attractive, but she wasn’t ugly.  I’m sure she found someone who gave her all the babies she wanted.  I think her name was Cindy.  From what I remember she was in cheer leading and could do the splits.  Compared to me,  she’s doing a lot better and that’s not saying much.  I mean how hard could taking care of kids really be.  I guess harder for some.  They might end up with someone like me but when you think about it, I’m easy to get along with.  You don’t bother me, and I won’t bother you. Simple as that.

2019

 

 

 

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